The Philosophy Behind the Quote
“If it EVER was, it will be. If not, it never was.”
Introduction: Searching for What Is Real
I didn't just sit down one day and write this as a catchy line. It came out of decades spent watching human behaviour going back to my teenage years, navigating my own setbacks, and looking closely at how relationships, character, and principles actually hold up under pressure.
Above all, it was inspired by my mother, Dr Heather Nicholas. She was a true inspiration and an incredible source of material simply by the way she lived her life. Watching her navigate life's challenges with quiet grace, integrity, and unwavering strength showed me firsthand what real, enduring substance looks like in practice.
Looking back across my life, I kept seeing the exact same pattern repeat itself. People constantly confuse passing phases—a sudden surge of emotion, a surface-level connection, or a short-term promise—with something built to last. When those temporary things inevitably fade or fall apart under stress, the natural reaction is to grieve: “It used to be real, but now it's gone.”
My mother's example, combined with my work in this space and my own lived experience, taught me a simple truth: real substance doesn't just erode when life gets tough.
01 — What Is Real Lasts
“If it EVER was, it will be...”
The first part of this quote gets at the nature of genuine truth. Whether you are looking at personal character, a real bond between two people, an underlying law of nature, or someone's true path in life, anything genuine at its core holds its ground. If something was authentically real from the start (“if it EVER was”), its essence stays intact despite everything—time, distance, hardship, or whatever life throws at it.
My mother lived this principle every day. Her character and values weren't a pose or something she put on for show; they were embedded in who she was. When crisis or hardship hit, she didn't have to rebuild her strength from scratch—it instinctively came to the surface because the foundation was already sitting there.
When true character resurfaces (“it will be”), that isn't luck or wishful thinking—it's just the natural outcome. Real truth doesn't just evaporate. It stands firm and reveals itself when tested.
02 — If It Vanishes, It Was Never There
“...If not, it never was.”
The second half is a bit sharper and harder to swallow. Earlier in my journey, I spent time—sometimes years—trying to salvage connections or projects that had completely collapsed, convinced I could somehow bring back “what used to be.” The turning point came when I looked back with honest eyes and realised there was nothing to save. The substance was never there in the first place.
When something dissolves into nothing or completely fails when put to the test, we need the courage to call it what it is. The real take-away isn't that something genuine died off. It’s that we were holding onto an empty shell the whole time.
If a bond, a principle, or a foundation vanishes without a trace when tested, it shows what it always was: an illusion we dressed up as substance. Seeing that clearly stops us from grieving something that wasn't real.
03 — Why This Brings Peace
While this way of looking at things might sound a bit stark at first, decades of reflection and practical experience have shown me that it brings immense peace, along with the ability to celebrate what is actually real:
- Freedom from Regret: Understanding “if not, it never was” takes away that heavy, lingering burden of “what if.” It stops us from wasting energy trying to revive or believe in things that were hollow from day one.
- Unshakable Faith in What Is Real: It gives you a calm, quiet confidence about where you're headed. You never have to force or chase what is authentic. If something is genuinely grounded in truth, it will hold up on its own.
Final Reflection
We waste far too much of our lives holding onto things that were only ever meant to be temporary.
At the end of the day, this quote is just my simple rule of thumb born from a lifetime of observation, experience, and the lasting legacy of my mother, Dr Heather Nicholas. It acts as an anchor—helping us drop the pretence, stop grieving illusions, and focus our lives entirely on what is real, genuine, and built to last.